Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
