i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
