And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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