I never want to see another naked old woman again.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
