This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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