So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
