Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
