I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
