Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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