So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
