I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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