Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
