this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
