Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
