piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
