It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
