remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
