So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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