come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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