easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
