Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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