yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
