is your mom at the bar?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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