When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
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