My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
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