We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
he shaved USA in his pubs
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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