her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
