I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
