I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
