woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Randomize
