I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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