I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
