She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
