So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
