i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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