I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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