Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
