When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Is Oprah even human
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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