I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
