just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
