the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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