I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I wish you could order shots online.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
