meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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