I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
