Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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