Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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