I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
