Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
