The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
