There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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