party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
