everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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