In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
