I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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