I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
